Hopes, Dreams, and Plans for the next 365 days

Bring it 2011!

I stopped blogging about the time I got my job at the Toledo Restaurant Training Center.  So I have been working two jobs, attempting to write my prospectus, and dealing with life - needless to say I have been extremely busy and overwhelmed to the point of exhaustion.  I went into, what I have termed, my "hermit crab mode."  Basically if I ignored the problem, then it wasn't there - and we all know how well that really works. I stopped blogging, stopped talking to friends on the phone, stopped chatting online - became a hermit.  I began emotionally eating again because of it too.  So, in order to set some goals and come out of my hermit crab mode - I'm blogging again.  As my friends know, I put on a really good show - that everything is fine and then privately I tie myself into knots.  This isn't a cry for help, but more of a proactive approach to life and achieving the things I want, and I know the best way for me to do this is put it in writing and put it out there, so I can hold myself accountable.  So here is my 2011 hopes, dreams and plans.


That whole PhD thing.  There are numerous steps to this - so here we go.
 - Be ABD (all but dissertation) by the end of January/end of February.  I have been working on this prospectus far too long - I want it done.  I want to continue the fieldwork in Chicago for the dis, and I want to write the damn thing.
 - Action - I need to make the time to write.  I prefer writing in large chunks of time - guess what, that is close to impossible with two jobs - so I need to just write when I have the time, even if that is only one hour at a time - and then take the weekends (sorry honey) to write larger parts of it.
 -  I'm going to turn in my prospectus to my dissertation advisor by Friday, January 7, 2011. - This means writing today and tomorrow and in between everything else.  I don't have much left to do - I just need to stop editing while I go and get it done.  Just four chapter summaries and a small section on Merleau-Ponty and a quick timeline edit.  I can do this!
 - Finish my dissertation.  I want to be done with this.  I am going to do my damnedest to defend by September, and graduate in December 2011.
 - Action - lots and lots of work, I need to finish the fieldwork no later than March, with a final quick trip to see Romeo and Juliet in April.  A chapter a month - maybe more.  I have to allow time for rewrites.  It is do able just a lot to do. 

Hit my weight loss goal and maintain it.
 - I have approximately 35 pounds to lose.  I put twenty pounds on this fall.  I know some people might secretly take pleasure in my set back.  It is just a set back - I'm not going back to what I was.
- Action - Deal with my emotional eating again.  Rather than ignore my anxiety or depression and eat to feel better - I need to face those feelings and do something about it.  Eat healthy - I haven't been eating the right foods, I have been choosing the stuff that used to make me feel better - doesn't work, I need to measure my food and make healthier choices.  Exercise - gee maybe I should use that uber expensive gym membership I got - back to the gym for me.  I need to get active again, and if I can't make it to the gym - I do have a Wii Active - no more excuses.

Get married
 - Scott proposed in November, and I said yes.
 - Action - set a date, maybe tell people (still up in the air on that one) get married
 - We know what we don't want, now it is just figuring out what we do want.  One thing is for sure, the wedding is going to make us happy - we're not compromising for judgmental family members.  Since we will probably elope - we will definitely celebrate with our close friends and family later.


Live for myself
 - If I don't take care of myself, I won't be any good to anyone else.  I have to put my needs first at times.
 - Stop trying to please everyone - namely my father.  I love my father dearly, but I feel like I never measure up to his standards.  I'm sure he thinks he is encouraging me by asking me every time I talk to him how my writing is going.  My favorite one is "Shouldn't you be writing right now?" or "Just sit down and write it one weekend."  When Scott and I announced our engagement the "Congratulations" was immediately followed by "You're going to wait until after you've finished your dissertation, aren't you?"  I know it is just how my dad expresses himself - that he is just concerned for my financial well being - but I have to stop letting it get to me and do what I think is best for myself.
 - Let things go.  It is frustrating to sit by and let another individual make (what I perceive as stupid) mistakes - but I can't waste my energy on being angry about it.  I also can't spend my time fixing them either.  All I can do is be there for the one person who is affected even more than I am by this individual's actions (or lack there of at times).

Not bad for a start.

 

 

Favorite College Memories

There is a group of people that I am still in touch with simply known as The Bitch Barn.  A majority of us met freshmen year at UCM, and we just kind of picked people up a long the way, the name didn't come around until 2001 when a majority moved into a house on College Street, most lived there, others like myself just seemed to spend every waking minute there and another still lived in a different state, but she became a Bitch Barnian by proxy.

So many memories, they all run together (yes some because of copious amounts of alcohol), but mostly because we all just had a good time together.  Up until recently we even had our own private chat room/discussion board. (By the way, where did it go?) and we try to have yearly reunions since we are all spread across the US now (a majority in Missouri, but Ohio, Illinois, Arizona, and California are in the mix as well).  Yeah, we've grown up (maybe not grown up, but gotten older), but we still find time to keep in touch despite all of the grown up stuff we seem to do now (buying houses, having kids, etc.).

Lots of memories blend together - all with great amounts of laughter involved.  There was the champagne incident - sure lucky the cork didn't hit that car.  There was the truth or dare games - can't forget one particularly interesting dare that involved the pillar of the neigbhor's porch.  There was New Year's (that silly blanket game and Russian cooking and shots of some type of alcohol), oh and who could forget the shot put contest with a can of orange juice concentrate.  And our most recent reunion involved nerf guns in the hallway of the Drury Inn.

We've been there for each other through everything, weddings, funerals, divorces, graduations and most recently a birth (ok so not actually at the birth, but you get the main idea).  The second generation of Bitch Barnites was born last month!  Right now one of the Barnites is visiting me while she is on a vacation of sorts.  Today we went to the zoo, but now we are too tired to walk down to the art museum (we think it is because we are getting old.) She's going through some stuff right now and I'm glad to be here for her, and her company has been a godsend for me.  Being unemployed and trying to write and job hunt and everything else has really thrown me for a loop - and with a good college friend here, I feel a bit more stable - even though I know I can get through this tough stuff - with her here I actually BELIEVE I will get through it. 

I guess what prompted this specific rant is a conversation I had with my youngest sister-by-marriage a couple of weeks ago.  She just started her freshmen year of college and I was just answering some of her questions and I remember telling her how much fun I had my freshmen year - that it was a very influential year not only because I started my college career, but because of the friends I made - that are still my closest friends today.  I hope she has a similar experience.

The era of the receptionist

You might have noticed that I haven't blogged in about two months. Yikes! Well, I've been doing that hermit crab imitation again. You know, hold up inside your home and pretend nothing else exists. I'm getting pretty good at it too! Since about March 20th or so, I've been temping as a receptionist at a very large commercial real estate agency. I sit at a desk for eight hours, typing, answering stupid questions on the phone, and watching MSNBC. After sitting for eight hours at a desk and listening to moronic subject matter (both the telephone and the television), the last thing I wanted to do was come home and sit at the computer and type.

The most I do on the computer after work is maybe check my email (not regularly), play some mindless game on the computer or race Mario Kart. I did watch many hours of not-so mind numbing television and finish my second knitting project (pictures to come). So, what has brought this hermit crab out of her shell you might ask. My job as a receptionist will come to a close on Friday! While I will miss the friends I've made at work (a very funny and witty group of women and men), I will not miss the tedium of being a temp receptionist. But I cannot completely hate the job. If it wasn't for this time answering phones and the like - I wouldn't have realized that I am so very ready to go back to school in the fall. I'm looking forward to working in my trade again, you kind of forget that you come from a different environment until you make some sort of comment about theatre/academia and you're looked at like your from outer space. (Apparently when discussing the musical The Lion King comments such as "I found that the character Timone's costume a blatant homage to Disney cartoons rather than keeping in the same stylization of the other characters." does not endear non theatre goers to join in on the fun).

I'm ready to go back and finish this damn degree! Even if it means working more temp jobs to do it. Hopefully the next assignment comes very soon and has as many interesting and goofy people who will keep me occupied!

Drama Queen, who me?

I don't think I'm a fanciful person. Am I drama queen? Depends on the connotation of that phrase. In the good sense - yes - I am a passionate person and I experience emotions, I don't suppress them. In the bad sense - I should think not! I don't create drama, I don't meddle in people's business, I do on occasion overreact - but usually those are for very short periods of time...I digress.

My dad-by-marriage called tonight - he never calls me - so needless to say I was slightly alarmed. He begins the conversation, "Don't be alarmed, but your mom is in the hospital." (Sentences with buts, never end well for me...I have a whole history of bad news brought to me by a variation of those very words and each and every time the news takes me to the very place the person saying those words didn't want me to go.) It's my mom, she's never sick, of course I'm slightly alarmed. It's gallstones, there will be some more tests tomorrow to determine if she will be having surgery. I'm worried. I know I'd feel better if I was geographically closer to her. Then I could see her and I'd stop imagining the worst. But I don't panic, instead I call my love at work. I figured if I hear his voice, I won't freak out.

So I call him, and he can detect the verge of panic in my voice - well that and I say, "I'm scared." He assures me she's fine and I say I know this but I'm still scared. In retrospect, it is one of those Mars and Venus things going on in the conversation. (OMG I just used that term...anyway) I was calling to hear - in a calming voice - something along the lines of, "Don't worry honey, everything will be alright, I'll be home soon and I'll give you lots of hugs and kisses to reassure you that all is right with the world." (But of course much more eloquently.) I hear instead that I must realize that my mother isn't getting any younger and people's bodies start to fall apart and that it will probably be happening to him in a decade or so, and its a part of life and that I shouldn't be a drama queen. (This isn't a direct quote, I'm paraphrasing, note the lack of quotation marks around the sentence.) Essentially its the same thing, in his male loveable way he was trying to use reason to get me to see the logic of the situation, in order to keep me calm and not to worry about a situation I can't do anything about. It does make sense. But emotions don't make sense and sometimes you have to experience the emotion before you can see the "reality" of the situation.

I need to go through a little bit of panic, that initial shock. It is someone I love dearly and she's sick and I can't be with her - of course I'm going to worry and be alarmed. I need to have those 5-10 minutes, then I'll look at it differently. If the panic lasted longer than that, by all means - give me a dose of "reality" - My friends in college were quite good at those, I still think Margaret's responses are still my favorite - "Knock it off " which was usually followed by an elbow to the boob or her "angry" face and a threat to be kicked in the knee caps. Ah, fond memories...I digress again.

Well, when my love gets home I think I'll give him a hug call him, a big poo-poo head and turn in for the night. Blogging seems to have taken the, so called "drama queen" out of me for the evening.

December 26th - Year 28

I wake this morning to my beloved boyfriend grumbling/bellowing, "I can't find the sandwich bags." You would think I could at least get a "Happy Birthday Macaela!" before the sandwich bag question. Well, he remembered as he was heading out the door. I think me sitting on the couch opening my birthday presents from my family was a pretty good hint. We're not morning people so I totally understand the one track mind mentality when you are trying to function in the morning. Our trains were on different tracks this morning, his was "Damn it, I have to go to work." and mine was "It's my birthday, pay attention to me!" So he went to work and I went back to bed, I thought that 7:00 AM was entirely too early time to be up on my 28th birthday. And all was well again by the time my head hit the pillow.



At 9:30 I'm awakened by a very off-key rendition of "Happy Birthday." Apparently I can answer my cell phone in my sleep now! It was my Dad, Aunt, Uncles and Mother by Marriage, calling to wish me a "happy birthday." I thanked them for the presents. I have come to the conclusion that one is officially getting old when the previously funny birthday cards are replaced with the thoughtful tear-jerkers. Apparently parents get nostalgic when their only/youngest child is creeping closer to the age of 30. At 9:45 my good buddy Melissa calls to wish me a happy day and we talk for a good long time-a good long time for us is about 7 to 10 minutes-she has two small kids and I have...well...stuff. So after gabbing with her I figure, I'll drag myself out of bed. No sooner than I had started to make coffee, my mother calls. Along with the "happy birthday," I also get the yearly reminder of the day of my birth. "I'll tell you what, I sure feel a lot better today than I did (fill in my age) years ago at this time." She continues to tell me of the details of my birth like what I weighed, what I looked like, how my father didn't believe she was in labor but was quite happy I was born a week early because I was a tax break - you know the usual mother stuff.



While drinking my coffee I start to watch, Dr. Phil. I know, it is sad but I really don't like to miss the show if I can help it. And besides, its my birthday, I can do what I want. And then my grandmother calls - which completely surprises me because she usually forgets I exist. It is not intentional mind you, but I'm the only grand kid that doesn't live within a 30 mile radius of my mother's birthplace. Of course it was a "happy birthday" with a side of guilt, because it has been almost two years since I've seen my family in Minnesota. Maybe next year - but I'll be damned if I'm celebrating Christmas on my birthday (but that is another blog entirely.)



By noon I headed to the mall to see National Treasures: The Book of Secrets. Good movie, if you're a history and legend buff, which I am. I thoroughly enjoyed myself - I splurged and decided to see the movie in the Director's Hall, where they have leather-like stadium seating, assigned seats that you choose and someone who escorts you to your seat. I'm living the big life now! (That was sarcasm in case you missed it.)



I hit the mall of course, the one good thing about having a birthday on December 26th, you will always find a sale! Shopping on my birthday has never been a bad experience. At precisely 3:27 pm (eastern time) I rang in the beginning of my 28th year with a chocolate covered strawberry from Godiva and a medium cafe mocha.



I was afraid this year was going to be a bad birthday because I was spending a majority of the day by myself. I had never done this on my birthday before, and frankly, I was dreading it. But it was a great day, I didn't have to worry about pleasing anyone but myself! And I still got to have dinner out with Scott and spend time talking at a dinner table rather than on a couch in front of a television set. And I think one of my happiest moments is that for the first time in 20 years, I didn't binge on my birthday.

Here enjoy a piece of virtual birthday cake. Mmmm, tiramisu!

The beginning of many...

I know. I haven't blogged in a very long time. Let's just say that I've been working through some things and the thought of writing, even for leisure, was just too difficult. In fact, I haven't even chatted with friends during this time either. I think I had to go into a hermit-like-state in order to work through stuff.

Ok, so here it goes. I have an eating disorder. I've kept this private for a number of reasons, mainly, I just couldn't deal with it. At first I thought if I said it out loud, that would be enough to admit to it. But I think keeping it to myself and not writing about it was just delaying the "recovery" process. So, there's that. I feel better now, and hopefully this will be the beginning of a beautiful relationship between me and my keyboard...wait that didn't sound right, oh well.

Oh, and I quit my job!