Where I am at versus where I want to be

I am a very driven and optimistic person.  I used to be very driven and pessimistic person.  I am constantly striving to improve while appreciating what I have accomplished - this wasn't always the case.  I used to look at my accomplishments as failings, always telling myself, "I could have done more here." or "If I had just worked harder I would have (fill in the blank)" or my absolute all time favorite (sarcasm of course), "I'm just not (good, smart, pretty, talented etc.) enough."  So now when I look at where I am at and where I want to be, I always remember to look at where I have been.

I am currently 185 pounds, I want to be 160.  These past couple of months have been rough both physically and emotionally.  And despite all of my work on my eating disorder, old habits die very hard and I have been doing a lot of emotional eating (eating when I'm not hungry or bored, portion control way out of control) as well as unhealthy eating (two weeks straight of having ice cream every evening).  I don't feel good when I'm not eating healthy, but I can't seem to get it under control.  But I have to remember where I started at - 250 pounds in February of 2009.  I have come a long way, and just thinking of that number is helping me to stop and examine why I'm making the food choices I am.  So, enough beating myself up - watch the food intake, increase the exercise and think positive - I can do this.

I am currently unemployed, I would like to be employed.  My graduate assistantship ended in August and I am currently job hunting.  I've signed up with a temp agency - but so far nothing.  I've sent out 50 resumes in the area - so far nothing.  And I've been told I'm over qualified to work at Target.  Only one panic attack in the last week and that was when I looked at my bank account - but was quickly remedied when I sold my old car in less than 7 hours of posting it on Craig's List.  I just need to find something to pay bills while I write my dissertation - and trust me working an office job or even back at RGIS (yes, I applied - ick), will provide motivation to get the thing DONE.

I am currently financially unstable, I would really love to be financially stable.  See above for one reason, but the other was my spending habits - credit cards were not my friend, and I didn't get it through my head not to use them.  I consolidated my debt with a debt management system and have been credit card free for nine months.  (See I'm still seeing the silver lining.)  It would just be nice to not have to pay money on clothes that I no longer own because they are too big. (Bye bye Lane Bryant card - forever!)

I am currently writing my dissertation proposal, I would really love to be finished and defended and ABD (all but dissertation).  It has been a long and hard road and I want it done.  And sometimes it seems that no matter how hard or fast I work it is still not good enough.  I'm working on the third rewrite of my proposal - but hey it is better than the fourteen rewrites I had for my portfolio.  At times it makes me wonder if I am good enough, my ego and confidence have taken a major beating these past six years.  But I have to keep reminding myself where I have been, how far I have come - and that I CAN do this and I WILL do this, and each time I go back to rewrite, it becomes a little easier and a lot more clear as to what I am doing.  But sometimes I would just really like to have it all finished and not be a grad student anymore.  To quote a cartoon fish, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...."

The Wait is Over.

I didn't get the job. They went with the other candidate. The one who is a job hopper. I hope the program goes down in flames. Can you tell I'm SLIGHTLY pissed at the moment?

Scott and I watched Christmas Vacation tonight, and Clark has a rant that he goes on about his boss. I feel it fits my situation. And thus here's the quote, with my fixes of course.

"Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like that guy, the one who didn't hire me, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there in the burg with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol? "

The Waiting Game...resumed

My interview was yesterday and it went really well. So now, I wait again...this time it will only be until next week. I will hear one way or the other soon. I was interviewed by six individuals, the Dean, four people from various departments in the college, my old professor and a member of the community. The member of the community just happened to be someone I used to act with when I was in high school and he was in college. He's the first person I see as I walk into the room and he smirks at me. My immediate thought was, "I've seen that man's bare ass across the stage!" What a way to go into an interview!

Like I said, the interview went really well, I was in there for one hour so that is a good sign. So just keep your fingers crossed. I'll say it, I really want this job!!

The Waiting Game

I am the queen at the waiting game! It never fails, last week I was in a huge hurry to make sure my application materials were in on time and now I wait. I'm waiting for other people to decide if I'm worthy enough and experienced enough to be interviewed. It'll be one week tomorrow that the materials had to be in. And all I can do is wait. Needless to say I'm trying to keep as occupied as humanly possible. Thus I planned meals once again (Loaded Baked Potato Soup, page 30 of Cheap, Fast, Good! use half and half instead of milk). I also finished my second knitting project!

I learned to knit in 7th grade home economics class, but I've never finished a project. I have a lot of half finished scarves sitting around (one nearing 14 years old). But in the last month I have finished two, a scarf and a matching hat. I've never been one who can sit still long enough, thus why my projects take forever. But, Friday night during a particularly rough spell of the waiting game, I sat and knitted for 3 1/2 hours straight. I'm not one to sit still for very long so this was quite an accomplishment. Scott modeled them for me and now wants a hat to match his scarf I'm working on. This first project is a Christmas present for my Grandfather. And hopefully I'll be able to give it to him in person in the next two weeks! At least I'm being productive, but I really wish they would call and let me know one way or the other.

Frustration....oh, and a really cute polar bear cub

So I'm in the job hunt again. And a fantastic opportunity has come up! I am so excited about this job opportunity. So of course, everything must be perfect. Perfect resume, perfect cover letter (the bane of my existence) and of course the perfect references. References, that's the problem...I have a number to choose from, but I want this particular person to write one for me, who has in the past, but for some reason has been unreachable for the past week! I know this person has got my messages, so why aren't they returning an email or a phone call. And then of course, I start to think, that he or she is mad at me for some unknown reason, or maybe they don't want to refer me because they think I suck, or worse yet, they know someone else who wants the job and referred them instead!!!! (And before you think I'm over reacting, in the academic theatre world, you are always less than six degrees from someone else, so that could be a very real fear!!) So hopefully this person will return my messages, I will still go on to plan B references, but make sure the references don't feel like they are plan B's. :(

But after all this ranting I need to look at a cute baby polar bear picture. The Toledo Zoo has three of the four baby polar bears born in North America. It has been fun watching them grow up. The twin girls were out when I took my mom and dad-by-marriage a couple of weeks ago. One of the cubs decided that the den area was fun to play in, and there is a window right there. Yours truly got the best pictures! The cub even tried to bite me through the glass, ah, how cute! So enjoy the pics!

See I told you I'd start blogging again!

Well bitchbarn cast, Scot showed me how to edit my blog stuff, so I won't be bugging you all with computer questions for the time being! I found a job for the time being. I'll be working at Super Suppers starting the end of June. Yeah! A paycheck! Also, Scot and I are moving in together, it should be fun.

I saw the videos of myself on Robyn's blog! AHHHHHHHH! How scary was that. Scot got a good laugh out of it though.