Hopes, Dreams, and Plans for the next 365 days

Bring it 2011!

I stopped blogging about the time I got my job at the Toledo Restaurant Training Center.  So I have been working two jobs, attempting to write my prospectus, and dealing with life - needless to say I have been extremely busy and overwhelmed to the point of exhaustion.  I went into, what I have termed, my "hermit crab mode."  Basically if I ignored the problem, then it wasn't there - and we all know how well that really works. I stopped blogging, stopped talking to friends on the phone, stopped chatting online - became a hermit.  I began emotionally eating again because of it too.  So, in order to set some goals and come out of my hermit crab mode - I'm blogging again.  As my friends know, I put on a really good show - that everything is fine and then privately I tie myself into knots.  This isn't a cry for help, but more of a proactive approach to life and achieving the things I want, and I know the best way for me to do this is put it in writing and put it out there, so I can hold myself accountable.  So here is my 2011 hopes, dreams and plans.


That whole PhD thing.  There are numerous steps to this - so here we go.
 - Be ABD (all but dissertation) by the end of January/end of February.  I have been working on this prospectus far too long - I want it done.  I want to continue the fieldwork in Chicago for the dis, and I want to write the damn thing.
 - Action - I need to make the time to write.  I prefer writing in large chunks of time - guess what, that is close to impossible with two jobs - so I need to just write when I have the time, even if that is only one hour at a time - and then take the weekends (sorry honey) to write larger parts of it.
 -  I'm going to turn in my prospectus to my dissertation advisor by Friday, January 7, 2011. - This means writing today and tomorrow and in between everything else.  I don't have much left to do - I just need to stop editing while I go and get it done.  Just four chapter summaries and a small section on Merleau-Ponty and a quick timeline edit.  I can do this!
 - Finish my dissertation.  I want to be done with this.  I am going to do my damnedest to defend by September, and graduate in December 2011.
 - Action - lots and lots of work, I need to finish the fieldwork no later than March, with a final quick trip to see Romeo and Juliet in April.  A chapter a month - maybe more.  I have to allow time for rewrites.  It is do able just a lot to do. 

Hit my weight loss goal and maintain it.
 - I have approximately 35 pounds to lose.  I put twenty pounds on this fall.  I know some people might secretly take pleasure in my set back.  It is just a set back - I'm not going back to what I was.
- Action - Deal with my emotional eating again.  Rather than ignore my anxiety or depression and eat to feel better - I need to face those feelings and do something about it.  Eat healthy - I haven't been eating the right foods, I have been choosing the stuff that used to make me feel better - doesn't work, I need to measure my food and make healthier choices.  Exercise - gee maybe I should use that uber expensive gym membership I got - back to the gym for me.  I need to get active again, and if I can't make it to the gym - I do have a Wii Active - no more excuses.

Get married
 - Scott proposed in November, and I said yes.
 - Action - set a date, maybe tell people (still up in the air on that one) get married
 - We know what we don't want, now it is just figuring out what we do want.  One thing is for sure, the wedding is going to make us happy - we're not compromising for judgmental family members.  Since we will probably elope - we will definitely celebrate with our close friends and family later.


Live for myself
 - If I don't take care of myself, I won't be any good to anyone else.  I have to put my needs first at times.
 - Stop trying to please everyone - namely my father.  I love my father dearly, but I feel like I never measure up to his standards.  I'm sure he thinks he is encouraging me by asking me every time I talk to him how my writing is going.  My favorite one is "Shouldn't you be writing right now?" or "Just sit down and write it one weekend."  When Scott and I announced our engagement the "Congratulations" was immediately followed by "You're going to wait until after you've finished your dissertation, aren't you?"  I know it is just how my dad expresses himself - that he is just concerned for my financial well being - but I have to stop letting it get to me and do what I think is best for myself.
 - Let things go.  It is frustrating to sit by and let another individual make (what I perceive as stupid) mistakes - but I can't waste my energy on being angry about it.  I also can't spend my time fixing them either.  All I can do is be there for the one person who is affected even more than I am by this individual's actions (or lack there of at times).

Not bad for a start.

 

 

Where I am at versus where I want to be

I am a very driven and optimistic person.  I used to be very driven and pessimistic person.  I am constantly striving to improve while appreciating what I have accomplished - this wasn't always the case.  I used to look at my accomplishments as failings, always telling myself, "I could have done more here." or "If I had just worked harder I would have (fill in the blank)" or my absolute all time favorite (sarcasm of course), "I'm just not (good, smart, pretty, talented etc.) enough."  So now when I look at where I am at and where I want to be, I always remember to look at where I have been.

I am currently 185 pounds, I want to be 160.  These past couple of months have been rough both physically and emotionally.  And despite all of my work on my eating disorder, old habits die very hard and I have been doing a lot of emotional eating (eating when I'm not hungry or bored, portion control way out of control) as well as unhealthy eating (two weeks straight of having ice cream every evening).  I don't feel good when I'm not eating healthy, but I can't seem to get it under control.  But I have to remember where I started at - 250 pounds in February of 2009.  I have come a long way, and just thinking of that number is helping me to stop and examine why I'm making the food choices I am.  So, enough beating myself up - watch the food intake, increase the exercise and think positive - I can do this.

I am currently unemployed, I would like to be employed.  My graduate assistantship ended in August and I am currently job hunting.  I've signed up with a temp agency - but so far nothing.  I've sent out 50 resumes in the area - so far nothing.  And I've been told I'm over qualified to work at Target.  Only one panic attack in the last week and that was when I looked at my bank account - but was quickly remedied when I sold my old car in less than 7 hours of posting it on Craig's List.  I just need to find something to pay bills while I write my dissertation - and trust me working an office job or even back at RGIS (yes, I applied - ick), will provide motivation to get the thing DONE.

I am currently financially unstable, I would really love to be financially stable.  See above for one reason, but the other was my spending habits - credit cards were not my friend, and I didn't get it through my head not to use them.  I consolidated my debt with a debt management system and have been credit card free for nine months.  (See I'm still seeing the silver lining.)  It would just be nice to not have to pay money on clothes that I no longer own because they are too big. (Bye bye Lane Bryant card - forever!)

I am currently writing my dissertation proposal, I would really love to be finished and defended and ABD (all but dissertation).  It has been a long and hard road and I want it done.  And sometimes it seems that no matter how hard or fast I work it is still not good enough.  I'm working on the third rewrite of my proposal - but hey it is better than the fourteen rewrites I had for my portfolio.  At times it makes me wonder if I am good enough, my ego and confidence have taken a major beating these past six years.  But I have to keep reminding myself where I have been, how far I have come - and that I CAN do this and I WILL do this, and each time I go back to rewrite, it becomes a little easier and a lot more clear as to what I am doing.  But sometimes I would just really like to have it all finished and not be a grad student anymore.  To quote a cartoon fish, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...."

10 years later

Last week, I had a disturbing dream. I dreamt I went to my 10 year reunion only to have one of my high school friends ask me if I was pregnant. And in my dream, I said yes - but I wasn't - I just didn't want to say, "No, hon, I'm not pregnant. I'm just fat, but thanks for noticing."

OK, chances are that dream isn't going to come to fruition and neither will the other nightmares I've had leading up to the momentous occasion. So if my subconscious is stressing about it, why the hell am I going? I'd feel like a coward if I didn't.

So, I am going, and I'm looking forward to it. I might not be in a great state physically, but mentally - I'm a hell of a lot better than I ever was in high school. I'm willing to be if there are individuals who are stuck in judging people by the way they look, they are still the shallow individuals who I didn't give a rat's ass about back then either. So what will they see when they look at me? A confident, poised, charismatic, intelligent, vivacious and successful young woman.

Do I wish I was thinner? Of course, but that has always been a theme in my life. Even when I was thin I still thought I should have been thinner. Before I began treatment for my eating disorder, I used to think that I couldn't lose weight because I was weak. Or that I was a loser with no will power. Why couldn't I lose the weight and keep it off? Why couldn't I stick to diets? Overeating was the only way I knew to deal with major problems in my life, because that was what I was taught. I wasn't given the skills to learn how to cope with grief, anger, stress, rejection and abandonment. It was, "Here, have a cookie." or "You'll feel better after you eat something."

While everything else was chaotic in my life - the food was always there. I could always count on a pizza to keep me company during my comps, or that pint of mint chocolate chip to soothe my broken heart. The food didn't help me cope with any of it, it just made me take my mind off of it and pretend that the problems weren't there. Food was my best friend and worst enemy for 21 years. But it doesn't control me any more. My body shows the signs of the battle I've had with food, but I'm not going to let those pounds (scars) stop me from going.

I had another dream last night, and in it a girl who used to pick on me comes over and asks me what I've been doing for the past ten years besides eating. And in my dream I answered, "Oh, nothing much really. I've traveled, married and divorced, moved out of state, published, hosted two international playwriting competitions, earned my bachelors, masters and currently working on my doctorate, oh and conquered a life long eating disorder. And you?"

Senior photo - 1998

The beginning of many...

I know. I haven't blogged in a very long time. Let's just say that I've been working through some things and the thought of writing, even for leisure, was just too difficult. In fact, I haven't even chatted with friends during this time either. I think I had to go into a hermit-like-state in order to work through stuff.

Ok, so here it goes. I have an eating disorder. I've kept this private for a number of reasons, mainly, I just couldn't deal with it. At first I thought if I said it out loud, that would be enough to admit to it. But I think keeping it to myself and not writing about it was just delaying the "recovery" process. So, there's that. I feel better now, and hopefully this will be the beginning of a beautiful relationship between me and my keyboard...wait that didn't sound right, oh well.

Oh, and I quit my job!