School and Shoes

I got an assistantship for the school year!!!! This is good news, school will be paid for and I will have a job I will enjoy that I only have to work 20 hours per week and make the same amount of money as I did when I was temping for 40 hours per week. So one less thing to have to think about. Now I can go on my excursions this month and not have to worry about finding a job at the same time.

Since I started working in the corporate world, my shoe style has changed. I no longer had to be on my feet for 8 hours a day so I started wearing high heels again. Now, I like wearing heels whenever I get the chance. So needless to say two of my three outfits for my reunion will have a high heel of some type. (The outfit for the picnic will have a wedge rather than a traditional heel because we'll be on grass). Scott and I usually avoid the mall at all costs, but Friday night found us there waiting for our movie and thus I found my self in a shoe store.

Take a look at this shoe.




It isn't sensible by any stretch of the imagination. The heel is really high, but I can successfully walk in them without looking like a dork. They make my ankles look sexy. And to top it off I only paid $26 for them. Lots of reasons to keep them, lots of reasons to take them back. On Friday night, I decided to take them back almost immediately after I got them. But then I took them home and put them with the outfit I'm wearing and I decided to keep them. By Sunday night, after not having looked at them for two days, I decided to take them back again. But after trying them on again Monday morning and taking these pictures, I decided to keep them. So what do I do when I'm in a quandary about shoes, ask my mother who is very sensible in the matters. She said take them back that they aren't practical...then she saw the pictures and called me to tell me to keep them and that she'll pay for them because they are too cute not to have in my shoe collection.


So now that I'm adding another pair of shoes to my closet, I've decided to get rid of two pairs that I never wear anymore. I think that is a pretty good trade, don't you?

10 years later

Last week, I had a disturbing dream. I dreamt I went to my 10 year reunion only to have one of my high school friends ask me if I was pregnant. And in my dream, I said yes - but I wasn't - I just didn't want to say, "No, hon, I'm not pregnant. I'm just fat, but thanks for noticing."

OK, chances are that dream isn't going to come to fruition and neither will the other nightmares I've had leading up to the momentous occasion. So if my subconscious is stressing about it, why the hell am I going? I'd feel like a coward if I didn't.

So, I am going, and I'm looking forward to it. I might not be in a great state physically, but mentally - I'm a hell of a lot better than I ever was in high school. I'm willing to be if there are individuals who are stuck in judging people by the way they look, they are still the shallow individuals who I didn't give a rat's ass about back then either. So what will they see when they look at me? A confident, poised, charismatic, intelligent, vivacious and successful young woman.

Do I wish I was thinner? Of course, but that has always been a theme in my life. Even when I was thin I still thought I should have been thinner. Before I began treatment for my eating disorder, I used to think that I couldn't lose weight because I was weak. Or that I was a loser with no will power. Why couldn't I lose the weight and keep it off? Why couldn't I stick to diets? Overeating was the only way I knew to deal with major problems in my life, because that was what I was taught. I wasn't given the skills to learn how to cope with grief, anger, stress, rejection and abandonment. It was, "Here, have a cookie." or "You'll feel better after you eat something."

While everything else was chaotic in my life - the food was always there. I could always count on a pizza to keep me company during my comps, or that pint of mint chocolate chip to soothe my broken heart. The food didn't help me cope with any of it, it just made me take my mind off of it and pretend that the problems weren't there. Food was my best friend and worst enemy for 21 years. But it doesn't control me any more. My body shows the signs of the battle I've had with food, but I'm not going to let those pounds (scars) stop me from going.

I had another dream last night, and in it a girl who used to pick on me comes over and asks me what I've been doing for the past ten years besides eating. And in my dream I answered, "Oh, nothing much really. I've traveled, married and divorced, moved out of state, published, hosted two international playwriting competitions, earned my bachelors, masters and currently working on my doctorate, oh and conquered a life long eating disorder. And you?"

Senior photo - 1998