Where I am at versus where I want to be

I am a very driven and optimistic person.  I used to be very driven and pessimistic person.  I am constantly striving to improve while appreciating what I have accomplished - this wasn't always the case.  I used to look at my accomplishments as failings, always telling myself, "I could have done more here." or "If I had just worked harder I would have (fill in the blank)" or my absolute all time favorite (sarcasm of course), "I'm just not (good, smart, pretty, talented etc.) enough."  So now when I look at where I am at and where I want to be, I always remember to look at where I have been.

I am currently 185 pounds, I want to be 160.  These past couple of months have been rough both physically and emotionally.  And despite all of my work on my eating disorder, old habits die very hard and I have been doing a lot of emotional eating (eating when I'm not hungry or bored, portion control way out of control) as well as unhealthy eating (two weeks straight of having ice cream every evening).  I don't feel good when I'm not eating healthy, but I can't seem to get it under control.  But I have to remember where I started at - 250 pounds in February of 2009.  I have come a long way, and just thinking of that number is helping me to stop and examine why I'm making the food choices I am.  So, enough beating myself up - watch the food intake, increase the exercise and think positive - I can do this.

I am currently unemployed, I would like to be employed.  My graduate assistantship ended in August and I am currently job hunting.  I've signed up with a temp agency - but so far nothing.  I've sent out 50 resumes in the area - so far nothing.  And I've been told I'm over qualified to work at Target.  Only one panic attack in the last week and that was when I looked at my bank account - but was quickly remedied when I sold my old car in less than 7 hours of posting it on Craig's List.  I just need to find something to pay bills while I write my dissertation - and trust me working an office job or even back at RGIS (yes, I applied - ick), will provide motivation to get the thing DONE.

I am currently financially unstable, I would really love to be financially stable.  See above for one reason, but the other was my spending habits - credit cards were not my friend, and I didn't get it through my head not to use them.  I consolidated my debt with a debt management system and have been credit card free for nine months.  (See I'm still seeing the silver lining.)  It would just be nice to not have to pay money on clothes that I no longer own because they are too big. (Bye bye Lane Bryant card - forever!)

I am currently writing my dissertation proposal, I would really love to be finished and defended and ABD (all but dissertation).  It has been a long and hard road and I want it done.  And sometimes it seems that no matter how hard or fast I work it is still not good enough.  I'm working on the third rewrite of my proposal - but hey it is better than the fourteen rewrites I had for my portfolio.  At times it makes me wonder if I am good enough, my ego and confidence have taken a major beating these past six years.  But I have to keep reminding myself where I have been, how far I have come - and that I CAN do this and I WILL do this, and each time I go back to rewrite, it becomes a little easier and a lot more clear as to what I am doing.  But sometimes I would just really like to have it all finished and not be a grad student anymore.  To quote a cartoon fish, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...."