10 years later

Last week, I had a disturbing dream. I dreamt I went to my 10 year reunion only to have one of my high school friends ask me if I was pregnant. And in my dream, I said yes - but I wasn't - I just didn't want to say, "No, hon, I'm not pregnant. I'm just fat, but thanks for noticing."

OK, chances are that dream isn't going to come to fruition and neither will the other nightmares I've had leading up to the momentous occasion. So if my subconscious is stressing about it, why the hell am I going? I'd feel like a coward if I didn't.

So, I am going, and I'm looking forward to it. I might not be in a great state physically, but mentally - I'm a hell of a lot better than I ever was in high school. I'm willing to be if there are individuals who are stuck in judging people by the way they look, they are still the shallow individuals who I didn't give a rat's ass about back then either. So what will they see when they look at me? A confident, poised, charismatic, intelligent, vivacious and successful young woman.

Do I wish I was thinner? Of course, but that has always been a theme in my life. Even when I was thin I still thought I should have been thinner. Before I began treatment for my eating disorder, I used to think that I couldn't lose weight because I was weak. Or that I was a loser with no will power. Why couldn't I lose the weight and keep it off? Why couldn't I stick to diets? Overeating was the only way I knew to deal with major problems in my life, because that was what I was taught. I wasn't given the skills to learn how to cope with grief, anger, stress, rejection and abandonment. It was, "Here, have a cookie." or "You'll feel better after you eat something."

While everything else was chaotic in my life - the food was always there. I could always count on a pizza to keep me company during my comps, or that pint of mint chocolate chip to soothe my broken heart. The food didn't help me cope with any of it, it just made me take my mind off of it and pretend that the problems weren't there. Food was my best friend and worst enemy for 21 years. But it doesn't control me any more. My body shows the signs of the battle I've had with food, but I'm not going to let those pounds (scars) stop me from going.

I had another dream last night, and in it a girl who used to pick on me comes over and asks me what I've been doing for the past ten years besides eating. And in my dream I answered, "Oh, nothing much really. I've traveled, married and divorced, moved out of state, published, hosted two international playwriting competitions, earned my bachelors, masters and currently working on my doctorate, oh and conquered a life long eating disorder. And you?"

Senior photo - 1998