10 years later

Last week, I had a disturbing dream. I dreamt I went to my 10 year reunion only to have one of my high school friends ask me if I was pregnant. And in my dream, I said yes - but I wasn't - I just didn't want to say, "No, hon, I'm not pregnant. I'm just fat, but thanks for noticing."

OK, chances are that dream isn't going to come to fruition and neither will the other nightmares I've had leading up to the momentous occasion. So if my subconscious is stressing about it, why the hell am I going? I'd feel like a coward if I didn't.

So, I am going, and I'm looking forward to it. I might not be in a great state physically, but mentally - I'm a hell of a lot better than I ever was in high school. I'm willing to be if there are individuals who are stuck in judging people by the way they look, they are still the shallow individuals who I didn't give a rat's ass about back then either. So what will they see when they look at me? A confident, poised, charismatic, intelligent, vivacious and successful young woman.

Do I wish I was thinner? Of course, but that has always been a theme in my life. Even when I was thin I still thought I should have been thinner. Before I began treatment for my eating disorder, I used to think that I couldn't lose weight because I was weak. Or that I was a loser with no will power. Why couldn't I lose the weight and keep it off? Why couldn't I stick to diets? Overeating was the only way I knew to deal with major problems in my life, because that was what I was taught. I wasn't given the skills to learn how to cope with grief, anger, stress, rejection and abandonment. It was, "Here, have a cookie." or "You'll feel better after you eat something."

While everything else was chaotic in my life - the food was always there. I could always count on a pizza to keep me company during my comps, or that pint of mint chocolate chip to soothe my broken heart. The food didn't help me cope with any of it, it just made me take my mind off of it and pretend that the problems weren't there. Food was my best friend and worst enemy for 21 years. But it doesn't control me any more. My body shows the signs of the battle I've had with food, but I'm not going to let those pounds (scars) stop me from going.

I had another dream last night, and in it a girl who used to pick on me comes over and asks me what I've been doing for the past ten years besides eating. And in my dream I answered, "Oh, nothing much really. I've traveled, married and divorced, moved out of state, published, hosted two international playwriting competitions, earned my bachelors, masters and currently working on my doctorate, oh and conquered a life long eating disorder. And you?"

Senior photo - 1998

The era of the receptionist

You might have noticed that I haven't blogged in about two months. Yikes! Well, I've been doing that hermit crab imitation again. You know, hold up inside your home and pretend nothing else exists. I'm getting pretty good at it too! Since about March 20th or so, I've been temping as a receptionist at a very large commercial real estate agency. I sit at a desk for eight hours, typing, answering stupid questions on the phone, and watching MSNBC. After sitting for eight hours at a desk and listening to moronic subject matter (both the telephone and the television), the last thing I wanted to do was come home and sit at the computer and type.

The most I do on the computer after work is maybe check my email (not regularly), play some mindless game on the computer or race Mario Kart. I did watch many hours of not-so mind numbing television and finish my second knitting project (pictures to come). So, what has brought this hermit crab out of her shell you might ask. My job as a receptionist will come to a close on Friday! While I will miss the friends I've made at work (a very funny and witty group of women and men), I will not miss the tedium of being a temp receptionist. But I cannot completely hate the job. If it wasn't for this time answering phones and the like - I wouldn't have realized that I am so very ready to go back to school in the fall. I'm looking forward to working in my trade again, you kind of forget that you come from a different environment until you make some sort of comment about theatre/academia and you're looked at like your from outer space. (Apparently when discussing the musical The Lion King comments such as "I found that the character Timone's costume a blatant homage to Disney cartoons rather than keeping in the same stylization of the other characters." does not endear non theatre goers to join in on the fun).

I'm ready to go back and finish this damn degree! Even if it means working more temp jobs to do it. Hopefully the next assignment comes very soon and has as many interesting and goofy people who will keep me occupied!

An email that made me chuckle

I still keep in touch with my former in-laws, most of the time its a mass forward, now she doesn't do it every day, just once in a while. I do the same for her and her daughter - kind of lets everyone know, that we're still alive and laughing. Well, this forward that I got from her made me snicker - some are mean, some are stupid, and some just give you a chuckle, but given the tone of my last post - I thought it would be rather amusing. Enjoy.
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. Keep reading-they get better!!!
WOMEN'S REVENGE 'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Joe and his wife Ann listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.' He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?' Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
THE SILENT TREATMENT A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Drama Queen, who me?

I don't think I'm a fanciful person. Am I drama queen? Depends on the connotation of that phrase. In the good sense - yes - I am a passionate person and I experience emotions, I don't suppress them. In the bad sense - I should think not! I don't create drama, I don't meddle in people's business, I do on occasion overreact - but usually those are for very short periods of time...I digress.

My dad-by-marriage called tonight - he never calls me - so needless to say I was slightly alarmed. He begins the conversation, "Don't be alarmed, but your mom is in the hospital." (Sentences with buts, never end well for me...I have a whole history of bad news brought to me by a variation of those very words and each and every time the news takes me to the very place the person saying those words didn't want me to go.) It's my mom, she's never sick, of course I'm slightly alarmed. It's gallstones, there will be some more tests tomorrow to determine if she will be having surgery. I'm worried. I know I'd feel better if I was geographically closer to her. Then I could see her and I'd stop imagining the worst. But I don't panic, instead I call my love at work. I figured if I hear his voice, I won't freak out.

So I call him, and he can detect the verge of panic in my voice - well that and I say, "I'm scared." He assures me she's fine and I say I know this but I'm still scared. In retrospect, it is one of those Mars and Venus things going on in the conversation. (OMG I just used that term...anyway) I was calling to hear - in a calming voice - something along the lines of, "Don't worry honey, everything will be alright, I'll be home soon and I'll give you lots of hugs and kisses to reassure you that all is right with the world." (But of course much more eloquently.) I hear instead that I must realize that my mother isn't getting any younger and people's bodies start to fall apart and that it will probably be happening to him in a decade or so, and its a part of life and that I shouldn't be a drama queen. (This isn't a direct quote, I'm paraphrasing, note the lack of quotation marks around the sentence.) Essentially its the same thing, in his male loveable way he was trying to use reason to get me to see the logic of the situation, in order to keep me calm and not to worry about a situation I can't do anything about. It does make sense. But emotions don't make sense and sometimes you have to experience the emotion before you can see the "reality" of the situation.

I need to go through a little bit of panic, that initial shock. It is someone I love dearly and she's sick and I can't be with her - of course I'm going to worry and be alarmed. I need to have those 5-10 minutes, then I'll look at it differently. If the panic lasted longer than that, by all means - give me a dose of "reality" - My friends in college were quite good at those, I still think Margaret's responses are still my favorite - "Knock it off " which was usually followed by an elbow to the boob or her "angry" face and a threat to be kicked in the knee caps. Ah, fond memories...I digress again.

Well, when my love gets home I think I'll give him a hug call him, a big poo-poo head and turn in for the night. Blogging seems to have taken the, so called "drama queen" out of me for the evening.