An email that made me chuckle

I still keep in touch with my former in-laws, most of the time its a mass forward, now she doesn't do it every day, just once in a while. I do the same for her and her daughter - kind of lets everyone know, that we're still alive and laughing. Well, this forward that I got from her made me snicker - some are mean, some are stupid, and some just give you a chuckle, but given the tone of my last post - I thought it would be rather amusing. Enjoy.
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. Keep reading-they get better!!!
WOMEN'S REVENGE 'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Joe and his wife Ann listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.' He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?' Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
THE SILENT TREATMENT A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Drama Queen, who me?

I don't think I'm a fanciful person. Am I drama queen? Depends on the connotation of that phrase. In the good sense - yes - I am a passionate person and I experience emotions, I don't suppress them. In the bad sense - I should think not! I don't create drama, I don't meddle in people's business, I do on occasion overreact - but usually those are for very short periods of time...I digress.

My dad-by-marriage called tonight - he never calls me - so needless to say I was slightly alarmed. He begins the conversation, "Don't be alarmed, but your mom is in the hospital." (Sentences with buts, never end well for me...I have a whole history of bad news brought to me by a variation of those very words and each and every time the news takes me to the very place the person saying those words didn't want me to go.) It's my mom, she's never sick, of course I'm slightly alarmed. It's gallstones, there will be some more tests tomorrow to determine if she will be having surgery. I'm worried. I know I'd feel better if I was geographically closer to her. Then I could see her and I'd stop imagining the worst. But I don't panic, instead I call my love at work. I figured if I hear his voice, I won't freak out.

So I call him, and he can detect the verge of panic in my voice - well that and I say, "I'm scared." He assures me she's fine and I say I know this but I'm still scared. In retrospect, it is one of those Mars and Venus things going on in the conversation. (OMG I just used that term...anyway) I was calling to hear - in a calming voice - something along the lines of, "Don't worry honey, everything will be alright, I'll be home soon and I'll give you lots of hugs and kisses to reassure you that all is right with the world." (But of course much more eloquently.) I hear instead that I must realize that my mother isn't getting any younger and people's bodies start to fall apart and that it will probably be happening to him in a decade or so, and its a part of life and that I shouldn't be a drama queen. (This isn't a direct quote, I'm paraphrasing, note the lack of quotation marks around the sentence.) Essentially its the same thing, in his male loveable way he was trying to use reason to get me to see the logic of the situation, in order to keep me calm and not to worry about a situation I can't do anything about. It does make sense. But emotions don't make sense and sometimes you have to experience the emotion before you can see the "reality" of the situation.

I need to go through a little bit of panic, that initial shock. It is someone I love dearly and she's sick and I can't be with her - of course I'm going to worry and be alarmed. I need to have those 5-10 minutes, then I'll look at it differently. If the panic lasted longer than that, by all means - give me a dose of "reality" - My friends in college were quite good at those, I still think Margaret's responses are still my favorite - "Knock it off " which was usually followed by an elbow to the boob or her "angry" face and a threat to be kicked in the knee caps. Ah, fond memories...I digress again.

Well, when my love gets home I think I'll give him a hug call him, a big poo-poo head and turn in for the night. Blogging seems to have taken the, so called "drama queen" out of me for the evening.